Nobody has asked me to give a graduation speech anywhere, and it's certainly not likely to happen. But that's not going to stop me from a few curmudgeonly comments in the guise of advice to young people.
Ah-hem. Graduates, here are some things you should probably already know, but from my observations have never been taught to you.
1. Don't text and drive. How many deaths is it going to take for this one to sink in?
2. Don't text and walk. There are cracks in the sidewalk, potholes, traffic and sides of buildings. If you're not looking where you're going, you'll run into one of them. Or you'll get knocked over and lose your precious cellphone to the thief you never saw coming.
3. Don't text when there's a live person right in front of you seeking conversation. It's just rude.
4. Enough with the texting. When you do get around to actual talking, slow down and enunciate. Especially if you're working in the service industry.
5. The proper response to someone saying "hello" is to say "hello" back. Or to at least smile and nod. Or even just the nod. Something to let them know you realize that you share the planet with other people.
6. When you and your friends are walking together down the sidewalk and someone is coming toward you, bunch in a bit to let the person go by without having to step into the street. It's called common courtesy.
7. If you don't already have a tattoo, consider not getting one. Aging skin wrinkles, stretches and responds to weight gain. Today's ladybug is tomorrow's turtle, and that tiger will get long in the tooth right along with you.
8. Read something longer than 140 characters now and then. It will help your mind to see how sentences can connect to each other and express ideas. Wow!
9. Get uncomfortable now and then. Try a new food, wear a tie, be among people who speak another language. That's the essence of continuing education.
10. No matter how much you try, things will sometimes go wrong. Here, I defer to the advice given by Bluto to Flounder in "Animal House": My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
11. Learn to go beyond the number 10. I know you're used to Top 10 lists and "10 things you should know about the opposite sex" and such, but realize that 10ness is an artificial construct and there's probably something more, and more interesting, out there. Be curious about it.
Yeah, be curious. That about says it. But really: Don't text and drive, okay?
Ah-hem. Graduates, here are some things you should probably already know, but from my observations have never been taught to you.
1. Don't text and drive. How many deaths is it going to take for this one to sink in?
2. Don't text and walk. There are cracks in the sidewalk, potholes, traffic and sides of buildings. If you're not looking where you're going, you'll run into one of them. Or you'll get knocked over and lose your precious cellphone to the thief you never saw coming.
3. Don't text when there's a live person right in front of you seeking conversation. It's just rude.
4. Enough with the texting. When you do get around to actual talking, slow down and enunciate. Especially if you're working in the service industry.
5. The proper response to someone saying "hello" is to say "hello" back. Or to at least smile and nod. Or even just the nod. Something to let them know you realize that you share the planet with other people.
6. When you and your friends are walking together down the sidewalk and someone is coming toward you, bunch in a bit to let the person go by without having to step into the street. It's called common courtesy.
7. If you don't already have a tattoo, consider not getting one. Aging skin wrinkles, stretches and responds to weight gain. Today's ladybug is tomorrow's turtle, and that tiger will get long in the tooth right along with you.
8. Read something longer than 140 characters now and then. It will help your mind to see how sentences can connect to each other and express ideas. Wow!
9. Get uncomfortable now and then. Try a new food, wear a tie, be among people who speak another language. That's the essence of continuing education.
10. No matter how much you try, things will sometimes go wrong. Here, I defer to the advice given by Bluto to Flounder in "Animal House": My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
11. Learn to go beyond the number 10. I know you're used to Top 10 lists and "10 things you should know about the opposite sex" and such, but realize that 10ness is an artificial construct and there's probably something more, and more interesting, out there. Be curious about it.
Yeah, be curious. That about says it. But really: Don't text and drive, okay?
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