Group tours are something I approach warily. After years of being a docile and obedient schoolchild, I no longer merit the comment, “Plays well with others.” I am not a “team player.” And I really don’t like being part of those clumps of people that block streets and shuffle slowly past tourist sites, holding up the lines while taking photos.
Yet there are positives to group tours (advance planning done by someone else, admission fees and transportation covered, a simple safety net), so I’ve taken a few here and there. Tom and I recently returned from one, which visited Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec City, Canada, in 11 days. During the down times on the bus (and sometimes during guided tours), I found my mind drifting to the job of tour guide. I realized that no matter how much one knows about a particular city, island or country, not everyone is cut out for that sort of thing. I’m certainly not a guide candidate, even for someplace like North Caicos, which I love and have known for nearly 30 years. Here’s why I will never be a tour guide:
--I’m not into numbers. How high is Niagara Falls? Don’t care. What’s the population of North Caicos? I keep hearing the number, but it never sticks. I’m sure there’s an impressive number of churches on North, but I don’t know it. Those people who love and are wowed by numbers would find me a lousy guide.
--I don’t do superlatives, and even actively hate “best” lists. Highest, longest, most beautiful, biggest, most luxurious … those words will never pass my lips.
--Real estate bores me. I don’t know the current cost of beachfront property, and I couldn’t possibly impress my group with how much the latest mega-mansion on Parrot Cay sold for. I consider big resorts blights on the land, and would rather take people to see the local bushman than recommend a spa.
--You probably guessed this next one: Nix on name-dropping. It’s easily done in the TCI, but even though I know tourists lap it up, I think it’s tacky.
Enough of my spiel on the van, or lack thereof. Let’s hop off and find more reasons not to hire me to lead your group.
--I can’t stand ditherers or lollygaggers. When the guide says, “Follow me,” I expect everyone to follow, tout-suite. With a group behind me, I would be a drill sergeant, or Captain Von Trapp with his kids. Keep up or get lost!
--In every group, there’s always that one person. You know who I mean. They ask the question that has just been answered, state the obvious, arrive late, find the flaws forthwith and otherwise make things slow and miserable for everyone else. I have no tolerance for that person. And I’m sure it would show on my face.
--I am too honest about my opinions. As a tour guide, it would be my job to support all the local businesses. But if someone asked me about a particular restaurant, hotel or shop that I believed had lousy service? Well… I fear I would have no tongue left after all that biting.
It’s a tough job, guiding groups of tourists. It requires tact, a positive attitude, good local knowledge and a genuine appreciation of people in all their crazy craziness. In a way, every island resident is a guide, so we need to work on these skills. I’m trying. But making it a full-time position? No, thank you!
Yet there are positives to group tours (advance planning done by someone else, admission fees and transportation covered, a simple safety net), so I’ve taken a few here and there. Tom and I recently returned from one, which visited Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec City, Canada, in 11 days. During the down times on the bus (and sometimes during guided tours), I found my mind drifting to the job of tour guide. I realized that no matter how much one knows about a particular city, island or country, not everyone is cut out for that sort of thing. I’m certainly not a guide candidate, even for someplace like North Caicos, which I love and have known for nearly 30 years. Here’s why I will never be a tour guide:
--I’m not into numbers. How high is Niagara Falls? Don’t care. What’s the population of North Caicos? I keep hearing the number, but it never sticks. I’m sure there’s an impressive number of churches on North, but I don’t know it. Those people who love and are wowed by numbers would find me a lousy guide.
--I don’t do superlatives, and even actively hate “best” lists. Highest, longest, most beautiful, biggest, most luxurious … those words will never pass my lips.
--Real estate bores me. I don’t know the current cost of beachfront property, and I couldn’t possibly impress my group with how much the latest mega-mansion on Parrot Cay sold for. I consider big resorts blights on the land, and would rather take people to see the local bushman than recommend a spa.
--You probably guessed this next one: Nix on name-dropping. It’s easily done in the TCI, but even though I know tourists lap it up, I think it’s tacky.
Enough of my spiel on the van, or lack thereof. Let’s hop off and find more reasons not to hire me to lead your group.
--I can’t stand ditherers or lollygaggers. When the guide says, “Follow me,” I expect everyone to follow, tout-suite. With a group behind me, I would be a drill sergeant, or Captain Von Trapp with his kids. Keep up or get lost!
--In every group, there’s always that one person. You know who I mean. They ask the question that has just been answered, state the obvious, arrive late, find the flaws forthwith and otherwise make things slow and miserable for everyone else. I have no tolerance for that person. And I’m sure it would show on my face.
--I am too honest about my opinions. As a tour guide, it would be my job to support all the local businesses. But if someone asked me about a particular restaurant, hotel or shop that I believed had lousy service? Well… I fear I would have no tongue left after all that biting.
It’s a tough job, guiding groups of tourists. It requires tact, a positive attitude, good local knowledge and a genuine appreciation of people in all their crazy craziness. In a way, every island resident is a guide, so we need to work on these skills. I’m trying. But making it a full-time position? No, thank you!